My boss has tried to bust a move on me and the girls I work with are the biggest bitches I have ever met.

They are all trying to get rid of me with psychological manipulation. I only stay because I need the money and don’t have another job to go to. They know I’m looking for another job. Fuck it.

Why do I always end up in these situations?

Today I realized I am a hopeless romantic, unattractive and infinitely unappealing in the eyes of my women friends. Essentially, being used by said women, to be hooked up through my guy friends, who, themselves are what the vast majority of women consider attractive. I really have nothing to complain about though. It makes them all happy. Though, sometimes I wonder, why am I given the emotion of feeling like I’m supposed to care about these people, when in the end, I’m the one forgotten about, and pushed away? It’s almost as if I’m supposed to learn from the mistakes of caring about other human beings, and their happiness, and solely focus on pleasing what urges or desires I have instead….

Suppose It’s for the best anyways. I AM writing my sad, pathetic thoughts on paper right? Why would anyone want to invest in something like that? Seems rather trivial. You put time and effort into something like a relationship, only to regret the entirety of it when it comes to It’s end.

For instance, myself, A friend, a nine year investment of my mind, emotions, and effort concealing my hidden attraction to this woman. Nine years of failed relationships, men treating her poorly, being used, abused, suicidal tendencies and emotional breakdowns that would leave most families and friendships in a state of disarray for eternity… To be there, hand and foot for someone for so long, so often, being their eyes, ears, sense of touch to make sense of their surroundings and be their anchor to a harsh reality of failure and decete they so desperately try to ignore. Not a single thought goes into asking her if you could be given the privilege of being the one possible guy to treat her well. Yet, no thought in return is given over your constant efforts to treat her the way she desires, from all the jocks and skaters, rich boys and scum she naturally attracts. No thought of the possibility, that perhaps, you, could be a potential suitor? Nine years and I’m only now start
ing to realize how much of myself I’ve let go, to have possibly given those efforts in vain to someone more suiting, deserving of my attention. But why does that thought leave me with a taste so disgusting, revolting and with a pain in my chest? Love? what is Love? Love is what I feel for this woman having had her in my life for so long as though she was my little sister. Love is what I feel when I think of her being happy with anyone who simply treats her well. But jealousy is what I can’t help but feel when I have her ask me to introduce her to my friends, when I tell her “You need to attract and go for men who don’t treat you as a thing to abuse”.

I feel invisible. Yet, when I talk about moving away and possibly starting my own life somewhere where I may start from scratch, meet someone I may fall in love with again…. I am scolded for the thought of leaving her, defenseless and depressed….

I look towards the only solaces I can readily get my hands on, alcohol, video games…. I may not have abs, I may not have a crew cut skater look to my face, I might not be rich and I’m definitely not in anyway a man someone would consider to be intelligent. Is there a place in the world for a man who just wants to be seen for what he can offer those he cares about? To be cared about in return?