Then he showed interest in me. He flirted. He held me. He kissed me. He said that he liked me. That he wanted to be with me. It was so difficult to push him away. To tell him no. To remind him that he has a wife. The more I was around him, the more I wanted to stay with him. So I stopped telling him no. We enjoyed each other. We spent much time together. We held each other in dark rooms, told each other secrets, and had no regrets. On the last night that we saw each other, we had sex. We made love until dawn. And then we parted ways. I shall never see him again.

I only knew him for three months. I never once met his wife. She was in a different city. I don’t know if he meant the words he spoke. I don’t know if he actually liked me or if he just felt lonely and needed affection. In the end it doesn’t matter. Now he is with his wife, and they are in love.

I do not regret what happened. I would not change it if I could. But I became something that I’ve always hated. I became the other woman. And even though it was only for a short time, even though I knew it could never last, that it would end, that I could never have him.

I still can’t let him go.

Today I realized I am a hopeless romantic, unattractive and infinitely unappealing in the eyes of my women friends. Essentially, being used by said women, to be hooked up through my guy friends, who, themselves are what the vast majority of women consider attractive. I really have nothing to complain about though. It makes them all happy. Though, sometimes I wonder, why am I given the emotion of feeling like I’m supposed to care about these people, when in the end, I’m the one forgotten about, and pushed away? It’s almost as if I’m supposed to learn from the mistakes of caring about other human beings, and their happiness, and solely focus on pleasing what urges or desires I have instead….

Suppose It’s for the best anyways. I AM writing my sad, pathetic thoughts on paper right? Why would anyone want to invest in something like that? Seems rather trivial. You put time and effort into something like a relationship, only to regret the entirety of it when it comes to It’s end.

For instance, myself, A friend, a nine year investment of my mind, emotions, and effort concealing my hidden attraction to this woman. Nine years of failed relationships, men treating her poorly, being used, abused, suicidal tendencies and emotional breakdowns that would leave most families and friendships in a state of disarray for eternity… To be there, hand and foot for someone for so long, so often, being their eyes, ears, sense of touch to make sense of their surroundings and be their anchor to a harsh reality of failure and decete they so desperately try to ignore. Not a single thought goes into asking her if you could be given the privilege of being the one possible guy to treat her well. Yet, no thought in return is given over your constant efforts to treat her the way she desires, from all the jocks and skaters, rich boys and scum she naturally attracts. No thought of the possibility, that perhaps, you, could be a potential suitor? Nine years and I’m only now start
ing to realize how much of myself I’ve let go, to have possibly given those efforts in vain to someone more suiting, deserving of my attention. But why does that thought leave me with a taste so disgusting, revolting and with a pain in my chest? Love? what is Love? Love is what I feel for this woman having had her in my life for so long as though she was my little sister. Love is what I feel when I think of her being happy with anyone who simply treats her well. But jealousy is what I can’t help but feel when I have her ask me to introduce her to my friends, when I tell her “You need to attract and go for men who don’t treat you as a thing to abuse”.

I feel invisible. Yet, when I talk about moving away and possibly starting my own life somewhere where I may start from scratch, meet someone I may fall in love with again…. I am scolded for the thought of leaving her, defenseless and depressed….

I look towards the only solaces I can readily get my hands on, alcohol, video games…. I may not have abs, I may not have a crew cut skater look to my face, I might not be rich and I’m definitely not in anyway a man someone would consider to be intelligent. Is there a place in the world for a man who just wants to be seen for what he can offer those he cares about? To be cared about in return?

i’m not sure if a trust him or not… he always is trying to get me to have sex with him and i am trying to commit myself to jesus and live for him but it is sooo hard to pull myself away from this guy

These men that are my friends are not even exes. That’s why I don’t trust him. He may love me- or it just may be his version of love as he is able to experience it- but I just don’t have an easy time believing him. He was so mean to me and so hurtful in our first two years together, I just can’t be at ease around him. And now I’m so messed up, I want out, I just feel drained of the will to make it happen. I pray to God. Get’s me nowhere and nothing. I think it’s depression and PTSD- because he was that destructive. My life is shit. My kids- our life was something else before he came into the picture. It was good. We were close. We lost our place in a natural disaster, came to stay with this guy because he was a friend and said he could help out and then he held us needing a place to stay over my head and as a bargaining chip. If I ‘didn’t do this’ or didn’t do that’ it was ‘get the fuck out of
my house’- and I honestly had nowhere to go. I live in a shit state in the middle of nowhere and there are no shelters just readily available. And what resources there are are reserved more for women with young children not women with teenage boys. Plus, you pretty much have to have your head bashed in before they take any interest in helping you. He was smarter than that. He would shove me around and bruise me up but it wasn’t until he went nuts on an ex girlfriend that the police got involved. But hey, he went through counseling and his temper is much better and he doesn’t hurt me or break my things anymore… but I can’t stop walking on eggshells. It scares me when he’s nice to me. It’s one of those things where I’m waiting for him to pounce because my guard is down. He used to do that. He was cruel like that. Or just when I would relax some chick he worked with would show up on the doorstep telling me that they were messing around. I had to get myself tested for STD’s. S
o now, I just never let my guard down around him. I just don’t. Too much trauma. And I pray to God for help, for strength for anything to help get me back on my feet. What a joke. I miss my kids and the close relationship we had. If I had the money (and a car), we three would just fly away. Away, away, away….

My ex lived in another state. I don’t even comprehend how it worked for so long but we had something between us that i cant describe.. It was so special and i gave that up.
I still love her.

She moving into my state to go to college and she’d only be an hour away from me; before she was 6 1/2.
She hates me but still loves me dearly. I don’t know what to do I’m completely lost.

My question is: Do you think i should commit to my marriage which i know will make me miserable or divorce her knowing that she will never be with a man again and destroy my relationship with my mother..????

FYI i know its all my fault…