Then he showed interest in me. He flirted. He held me. He kissed me. He said that he liked me. That he wanted to be with me. It was so difficult to push him away. To tell him no. To remind him that he has a wife. The more I was around him, the more I wanted to stay with him. So I stopped telling him no. We enjoyed each other. We spent much time together. We held each other in dark rooms, told each other secrets, and had no regrets. On the last night that we saw each other, we had sex. We made love until dawn. And then we parted ways. I shall never see him again.

I only knew him for three months. I never once met his wife. She was in a different city. I don’t know if he meant the words he spoke. I don’t know if he actually liked me or if he just felt lonely and needed affection. In the end it doesn’t matter. Now he is with his wife, and they are in love.

I do not regret what happened. I would not change it if I could. But I became something that I’ve always hated. I became the other woman. And even though it was only for a short time, even though I knew it could never last, that it would end, that I could never have him.

I still can’t let him go.

It’s fearful to know that someone, has your heart & spirit so much, that you would forever be seeking that kindred spirit of yours, if you ever separated.

Im not 100% sure if I am completely ready either and I’ve slightly convinced myself but, I might have to leave at some point to find out things for myself. *Sigh.

My boss has tried to bust a move on me and the girls I work with are the biggest bitches I have ever met.

They are all trying to get rid of me with psychological manipulation. I only stay because I need the money and don’t have another job to go to. They know I’m looking for another job. Fuck it.

Why do I always end up in these situations?

Today I realized I am a hopeless romantic, unattractive and infinitely unappealing in the eyes of my women friends. Essentially, being used by said women, to be hooked up through my guy friends, who, themselves are what the vast majority of women consider attractive. I really have nothing to complain about though. It makes them all happy. Though, sometimes I wonder, why am I given the emotion of feeling like I’m supposed to care about these people, when in the end, I’m the one forgotten about, and pushed away? It’s almost as if I’m supposed to learn from the mistakes of caring about other human beings, and their happiness, and solely focus on pleasing what urges or desires I have instead….

Suppose It’s for the best anyways. I AM writing my sad, pathetic thoughts on paper right? Why would anyone want to invest in something like that? Seems rather trivial. You put time and effort into something like a relationship, only to regret the entirety of it when it comes to It’s end.

For instance, myself, A friend, a nine year investment of my mind, emotions, and effort concealing my hidden attraction to this woman. Nine years of failed relationships, men treating her poorly, being used, abused, suicidal tendencies and emotional breakdowns that would leave most families and friendships in a state of disarray for eternity… To be there, hand and foot for someone for so long, so often, being their eyes, ears, sense of touch to make sense of their surroundings and be their anchor to a harsh reality of failure and decete they so desperately try to ignore. Not a single thought goes into asking her if you could be given the privilege of being the one possible guy to treat her well. Yet, no thought in return is given over your constant efforts to treat her the way she desires, from all the jocks and skaters, rich boys and scum she naturally attracts. No thought of the possibility, that perhaps, you, could be a potential suitor? Nine years and I’m only now start
ing to realize how much of myself I’ve let go, to have possibly given those efforts in vain to someone more suiting, deserving of my attention. But why does that thought leave me with a taste so disgusting, revolting and with a pain in my chest? Love? what is Love? Love is what I feel for this woman having had her in my life for so long as though she was my little sister. Love is what I feel when I think of her being happy with anyone who simply treats her well. But jealousy is what I can’t help but feel when I have her ask me to introduce her to my friends, when I tell her “You need to attract and go for men who don’t treat you as a thing to abuse”.

I feel invisible. Yet, when I talk about moving away and possibly starting my own life somewhere where I may start from scratch, meet someone I may fall in love with again…. I am scolded for the thought of leaving her, defenseless and depressed….

I look towards the only solaces I can readily get my hands on, alcohol, video games…. I may not have abs, I may not have a crew cut skater look to my face, I might not be rich and I’m definitely not in anyway a man someone would consider to be intelligent. Is there a place in the world for a man who just wants to be seen for what he can offer those he cares about? To be cared about in return?

when she talks to me i feel i feel like nothing else matters. i am seriously confused about my sexual orientation and how my future life will possibly change. i can easily picture myself waking up in the bed next to her 20 years from now. i lover her more than my current boyfriend. i dont want to be a lesbian. its scary. someone help. i know i cant reject these feelings, someone just help me deal with them.

P.S. the worst part is, i know we can never be together. :’(

The next year, both of our sophomore year, she came back with no glasses nor braces and she looked amazing, totally different. I had made my move on the first day of school on the bleachers, but what I mean was that I said “hi” for the first time. On the down low, I had dreamed about the exact scene of when I first talked to her, but thats just between you and me. Back to the story, over the next couple of days i started to annoy her and now that I look back at it, I was a little annoying, but I’m a guy son I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. She would catch on and transfered out of the class. I haven’t talked to her since. Now it’s almost the end of our junior year. Even though I try to get over her, she crosses my mind every once in a while. i still like her and I don’t think i”ll ever get over her.