I am a 20 year old daughter to divorced parents. My mom is 43, blonde and really pretty. She’s an aerobics instructor with a great figure and big calves that are very muscular. In December, I took care of her plants at her condo while she was away on business. I was in her closet looking for a certain pair of heels when I stumbled across a handwritten letter and two polaroids clipped together at the bottom of a shoebox. One showed my mother standing next to a tall, full figured black woman and what appeared to be this woman’s children. They were posing in front of a ferris wheel at an amusement park. The other photo just devastated me. It showed this same woman standing completely nude in my mother’s motorhome. She was lifting her huge breasts toward the camera and her swollen nipples were the size of my thumbs. She had tattooes everywhere and her big lips were puckered as if throwing a kiss. The letter was addressed to my mother and signed by this woman. It was so raunchy that I couldn’t read it. I have been walking around like a zombie in the twilight zone since then and I cry every night.

I hate not being noticed. It makes me feel like I don’t exist. I’ve done a lot of insane things for attention. I spend a great deal of my time plotting ways to draw more attention to myself. I cut my hair into an extreme style; only a few people noticed. I am still trying to figure out ways to get people to notice me. But I really only do it because I don’t have any close relationships outside of my immediate family. I wish someone would care. I’ve always wanted a best friend, someone who I’m close to and who is close to me. I’ve never had one. I’m too socially impaired. A good analogy would be this: when you’re starving to death you’re willing to eat anything. When you’re starving for someone caring if you live or die, you get desperate for someone to give you some attention. I know I’m pathetic. I hate myself.

My brother didn’t exactly molest me… He took off his pants around me and paraded around with a long white thing. He put my hand to it. He touched my butt. He pinched my butt. He ran upstairs and got naked. He would hug me close. He would come in my room and refuse to leave. He also went through the stuff in my bathroom, and I am not sure why. Is that molesting me? IS THAT MOLESTING ME? Because I don’t know what to call it. I just say my brother molested me.

I thought originally that finally I had something that would make me have power over him: to hold this over his head if he tried to hurt me. I hoped he didn’t realize that nothing would happen to him if I told.

I told him I was interested a few months ago.  We decided to “try
things”.  We went on a few dates, I spent a few nights at his house.  I fell
asleep in his arms and woke up in the same place.  Actually, we’d both
wake up around the same time, separated from one another, but he’d
sleepily pull me close to him again so we could wake up together when his
alarm would go off.  He kissed me in private, and he kissed me like he
meant it. Read the rest of this entry »