These men that are my friends are not even exes. That’s why I don’t trust him. He may love me- or it just may be his version of love as he is able to experience it- but I just don’t have an easy time believing him. He was so mean to me and so hurtful in our first two years together, I just can’t be at ease around him. And now I’m so messed up, I want out, I just feel drained of the will to make it happen. I pray to God. Get’s me nowhere and nothing. I think it’s depression and PTSD- because he was that destructive. My life is shit. My kids- our life was something else before he came into the picture. It was good. We were close. We lost our place in a natural disaster, came to stay with this guy because he was a friend and said he could help out and then he held us needing a place to stay over my head and as a bargaining chip. If I ‘didn’t do this’ or didn’t do that’ it was ‘get the fuck out of
my house’- and I honestly had nowhere to go. I live in a shit state in the middle of nowhere and there are no shelters just readily available. And what resources there are are reserved more for women with young children not women with teenage boys. Plus, you pretty much have to have your head bashed in before they take any interest in helping you. He was smarter than that. He would shove me around and bruise me up but it wasn’t until he went nuts on an ex girlfriend that the police got involved. But hey, he went through counseling and his temper is much better and he doesn’t hurt me or break my things anymore… but I can’t stop walking on eggshells. It scares me when he’s nice to me. It’s one of those things where I’m waiting for him to pounce because my guard is down. He used to do that. He was cruel like that. Or just when I would relax some chick he worked with would show up on the doorstep telling me that they were messing around. I had to get myself tested for STD’s. S
o now, I just never let my guard down around him. I just don’t. Too much trauma. And I pray to God for help, for strength for anything to help get me back on my feet. What a joke. I miss my kids and the close relationship we had. If I had the money (and a car), we three would just fly away. Away, away, away….